When Someone You Love Struggles With Substance Use, You Can Get Help, Too

When someone you love is dealing with an addiction, whether it's drinking, using drugs, using excessive pornography, or gambles in a way that worries you, it's easy for your whole life to start revolving around them. You watch for signs, try to prevent the next crisis, and wonder whether you're helping or making things worse. Maybe they don't think there's a problem. Maybe they aren't ready for treatment. You can still come to therapy on your own. Your need for support doesn't depend on their willingness to show up.

You don't have to bring them with you

People sometimes assume that a relationship-focused therapist can only help if both partners attend. That's not how I work. In individual sessions, we can focus on what this has been like for you: the anxiety, anger, grief, exhaustion, or confusion. We can look at the choices available to you even when you cannot control the other person's drinking or drug use.

The question is often “What do I do now?”

You might be deciding whether to cover for a missed obligation, lend money, check on them again, or explain the situation to your children. There usually isn't one sentence that solves all of that. We can slow those decisions down, consider the consequences, and work out boundaries you can actually keep. A boundary is about what you will do—not a guarantee that someone else will change.

Care and limits can exist together

Loving someone doesn't require you to absorb every consequence of their use. Setting a limit doesn't mean you've stopped caring. You might say, “I won't ride with you if you've been drinking,” or “I can't give you money, but I can help you find treatment information.” The right boundary depends on your circumstances, safety, finances, and responsibilities. Therapy is a place to think it through without being told that there is one correct way to love someone.

How this relates to Al-Anon and Nar-Anon

Al-Anon is a peer support fellowship for people affected by someone else's drinking while Nar-Anon serves people affected by a relative or friend's drug use. These meetings can offer connection with others who understand this experience. Individual therapy is different: it's a private clinical space centered on your history, emotions, decisions, and goals. Some people find both useful. Although I don't run an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting, I do offer supportive sessions for a person that is struggling with their partner's addictions.

You are allowed to talk about yourself

It can feel strange to spend an hour on your own feelings when someone else seems to be in more obvious trouble. But chronic vigilance takes a toll. You may be sleeping poorly, losing touch with friends, second-guessing every decision, or feeling guilty whenever you relax. Your wellbeing matters even if the other person never seeks help.

Safety comes before relationship strategy

If there are threats, violence, unsafe driving, an overdose concern, or children in immediate danger, the priority is practical safety and appropriate emergency or crisis support. Therapy can help you make longer-term plans, but it isn't a substitute for urgent help in a crisis.

What we might work on together

We may explore what you can and cannot influence, how to communicate a limit, how to respond to guilt, and how to reconnect with parts of your life that have been crowded out. You don't need to arrive with a diagnosis for your loved one or a decision about whether to stay. We can begin with what's happening and what you need.

If someone's substance use is affecting your relationship or family, you can reach out for individual therapy even if they never attend a session. I work with adults in Chino Hills and through telehealth across California.